Shokugeki no Soma: The Altered Series
by Greenx92
Summary: It's a series, all right. Just have to make some adjustments aaannnnddd... done!
1. Chapter 1

Shokugeki no Soma: The Altered Series

* * *

 **Terrible…**

A boy was walking by a tree. He sat down and took a bite of his latest creation… a squid tentacle covered in peanut butter.

"Aw, yeah! This is awful! It's so funny. It's so bad… I just have to laugh…"

Suddenly, a plate of fettucine fell out of a tree and into his hands.

"What the-?"

* * *

It was a quiet day, same as any other. A small breeze brushed through the town, giving the air a cool, refreshing energy that gave me a sense of happiness for being outside. Almost everyone was, but not for one huddled group of people. Not everyone was outdoor and experiencing the peace of the land. Some were shoving and pushing against each other in a crowd to spectate on a battle taking place: A battle between son and father.

"This is it, Soma!" cried the father as he fiercely grabbed a pot. "Today is the day I completely crush your will to live!"

"That's what you think, old man!" cried the son as he too grabbed a pot with as much passion as his father. "Today's the day I'll win!"

The son was a young boy who has existed on this earth for 16 years. Much like his heart in heat, the boy had blood red hair. It was also spikey, but what main character doesn't? In any case, he is the one who bears the name Soma Yukihira.

The father, a man who has stood across time for 40 years, was a tall man with big hair big enough to intimidate anyone who did not know of his occupation. Around these parts, the people refer to him as Joichiro Yukihira.

Both of them had their hands on the pots. Both of them began vibrating.

"Oh no!"

"Here it comes!"

The audience these two had acquired knew what was coming. Anyone who had ever seen these two battle knew that some destruction of local property had to be destroyed at some point in the battle. Looking at them vibrate, the regulars covered their heads and lowered their bodies to the ground and everyone else followed suit.

"Rrrraaaaagghhh!"

"Hhhhhnnnggghh!"

The ground began trembling, animals started running away, and lemonade stands all over the world collapsed!

This is one of the ways they gather power.

"Yah!" The boy, Soma, raised the pot in the air. "One hundred shakes of the Earth!"

The father, Joichiro, smiled and raised his pot as well. "One hundred _and two_ shakes of the Earth."

As if the universe had heard these two warriors of tongue, the pots levitated off their hands and violently shook.

Since it had been a while since they caused the earthquake, the ground settled down and returned to being unmovable. The audience slowly stood back up and saw two plates of fried rice fall down from what seemed like the heavens. Actually, three came down, but we let's not lose our focus here.

Simultaneously, the Yukihira family looked at one girl and they both raised the hand at her.

The girl nodded and stepped forward.

"She's so lucky," one of the audience said. "I heard only virgins are allowed to have their unsoiled tongues taste the heavenly food of the Yukihira's."

"I'd do anything to take back my virginity," many said.

The crowd shared the sentiment and it was later agreed that they would all sacrifice a goat later as an attempt to do so, but for the time being, they wanted to see the results.

The girl finished swallowing the last remaining rice in her mouth. She stood quiet for some time before she suddenly started crying.

"Too good! Too good! Sorry, Yukihira-kun, but you father's dish is too good! I think I'm going to-"

Before she could finish talking, she fainted and fell down. Nobody bothered to cushion her fall, so her unprotected head cracked and sent her into a coma.

Such is the way of the Yukihira.

Joichiro smirked and started laughing. "Isn't this the 500th time I've won?"

"Tch! It's only been 489 times, dad! How many times do I have to tell you!? 490 times!?"

With the dust settled and the two chefs reverting back to normal, the crowd lost interest and left, in search of a holy goat worthy of sacrifice.

"Hey, Soma." Joichiro leaned over the counter and stared at the girl in comatose. "You want to take care of this or should I?"

In response, Soma pulled out a whistle. "I'll handle it." He blew into the whistle and a giant squid covered in peanut butter emerged from the restaurant's closet to take the girl. "Make sure you don't do _too much_ ," he said to the squid before it returned to the darkness. "If your strawberry-covered sardine monster had taken her, we would never see her again.

"That would be bad," Joichiro said. "In any case, it's back to being a restaurant, so get moving."

And he did get moving. The End.

Except it didn't end.

"Excuse me?"

A woman in sharp, professional clothing made from a place not made in China (that's right, expensive clothes) walked into the restaurant like she owned the place. She was followed by three burly men walking in like they were going to take the place.

"Can I speak to the owner here?"

Soma appeared and stabbed a knife into the table. "He's busy, but you can talk to me."

"Aha, cute." The woman lowered her sunglasses. "My name is Minegasaki."

"I refuse to remember that name."

The woman ignored his comment and continued. "I'm an urban life planner, you see, and I-"

"What would you like to order?" he curtly said.

"Mm, I see you're not one for courtesy. I came here to explain, once again, our plans here. We want to build an apartment building here, but there's this whole restaurant in the way. You see the problem, don't you?"

"In other words, you're a land shark and you want us out." A smug smile crossed his face. "Go back. We don't want to close this shop at all. Right Dad?"

He didn't hear anything from the kitchen.

"You see?"

A smile as sharp as his also came across the woman's face. "I see. I'll leave my card here just in case, but you must know the growing difficulties of maintaining a small business, don't you? I've heard a lot of businesses have been having trouble not getting destroyed by my men."

"I don't see anything getting destroyed here."

One of the men turned and flipped a table.

"You were saying?" the woman asked.

Soma took a break from smelling his hand to respond. "I'm sorry, what happened?"

"Well, what if you weren't able to serve your customers the dish they ordered?" she asked with some anger held back. "What would you do then?"

"Manly close down the shop!" Soma said. He got a hold of the business card she put down earlier and threw it into the fire that was right next to him.

"Hey! This is _our_ holy fire! Go sacrifice your soul elsewhere!"

"The fire! The fire is ruined! We can't offer this goat in these conditions!"

The woman frowned. She turned around and as she left the restaurant, she lowly grunted "You'll regret this."

A whole day went by. Soma was coming back from school with a bag in his hand. The bag contained some eggs, potatoes, bacon, mushroom, and rat poison.

He arrived to the back entrance of the Yukihira shop and pulled out his keys. "Huh. Wonder why it's locked. The old man should be in here."

He unlocked the door and entered. It was pitch black. He turned on the lights and before him, he say food strewn all over the floor. Milk was spilled, cheese was cut, meat was beaten, and sauces were all over the place.

"Wh-what? Who could've done all of this? Was it a thief? A robber? A burglar? My dad? Whoever it was, I'll make them pay!" On the corner of his eyes, he saw the shutter door open. "What? Did something happen outside too?"

He got out. He took a look back. His heart dropped.

"The sign! It's ruined!"

The sign that once showed the world that this place was home of the Yukihira was disgraced. Fresh white paint dripped off the proud sign and fell onto the ground.

"Oh, would you look at that!" A familiar voice said. Soma turned around and saw the agent from yesterday. "This place looked much better yesterday!" she said, doing nothing to hide the glee in her emotions. "Now, about my plans… wouldn't you say that this is a _sign_ from above? _White_ don't you just give this property to me now?"

"…did you wait in front of this place the whole time just to say those two puns?"

"Yes, well, I didn't have time to do the back so I was really disappointed when you went there first." The woman walked past Soma and entered the shop. "But enough talk. I'm in the mood for some meat. Can you go make me some food, boy? Hm? Why aren't you moving?"

Soma stood still.

"What? Can't you make something as simple as meat? You can't, can you!?" The woman was visibly getting excited and started smirking like a pervert at a strip club. "Well, time to close down the shop, don't you say? Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Is that all you want?" he said.

She stopped laughing and looked at him. He didn't look shaken up at all. In fact, he looked confident. "Huh?"

"Because if that's all you want, then I'll make you a dish so good, you'll never come back to this shop again."

He slipped on his headband and made his way into the kitchen.

She signaled her men to come and she said to them "What's going on here? You went through with the plan, right?"

"Of course! We even made love to the food like you said!"

"Well it wasn't hardcore enough! He's cooking something up and it's certainly not fish!"

Some time passed by and the dish came to be.

"What is this?"

She stared at the plate Soma had thrown in front of her. It didn't have anything on it.

"Sorry. I tried to not hit your head. In any case," he presented her with an actual dish with food on it, "it's done."

She stared at it. It smelled good. She was almost taken in, but her suspicions were too great. It looked like roast pork. She got a fork from Soma and placed a fork on the meal, ready to see what it really was.

"By the way," he said as he slowly started backing up, away from the woman and her henchmen. "Would you like to know what it's called?"

She ignored him, too focused with her task. The fork broke through the crispy bacon barrier covering the surprise inside. She pressed down and-

"It's called Roast Beef-"

The fork stabbed into something sensitive.

It was a button.

"What's the meaning of-!?"

An explosion finished her sentence for her. Yes, indeed, the flavor was so good, they all literally blown away by the dish's explosive flavor!

"-Just Kidding," Soma said.

After throwing away their bodies and taking home for pounds of ass cheeks, Soma came back and immediately got to working on the awning. During the chore, he heard footsteps and saw his father.

"Old man…"

He gave a smile to himself, which he kept hidden from his father.

(That's right. I'll never let anything get between me and this place. This is my castle, where I'll become king and raise taxes on everything! At which point, I'll surpass him and perfect my cooking to a level even virgins can't touch!)

"Soma," Joichiro said, "I don't know what the hell you're thinking, but as punishment, I'm closing down this shop for some odd number of years. Probably three."

The force of the news being broken was too great, a gust a wind came, causing Soma to topple of the ladder and chase after his father into the kitchen.

"Well, that's that. Guess I better go apologize to our regulars."

"Why don't you start apologizing to your son?!"

"Hey, what's with this meat you picked up? It's all old and flat."

"Pay attention! You can't close down this place! This is where I-"

He was stopped by his father punching him on his chest.

"Soma… it's over. This is where you and I split. Go measure your ability…"

"Dad… my heart just stopped."

A few weeks later, Soma got out of the hospital and graduated middle school. He then set out for a long journey…

"You're at the wrong place, kid."

"Damn it!"

He climbed down the mountain and set out for another long journey…

"This is so stupid," he muttered, complaining to himself. "Why do I need to go to a stupid cooking school? Famous celebrity chefs didn't need to graduate high school!"

But as he walked closer and closer to the hall for the examination, he began to see the building grow bigger and higher. He also began to see a bunch of desperate fellows.

"No! It can't be! I've failed! I've failed! My life is ruined!"

"Please! I beg of you to admit my son. I'll do anything! I'll, I'll, be your best friend!"

"I already have five best friends!"

"Nnnnooooooo! I really came here to make friends!"

Person after person, Soma was finally presented with a grand entrance. His jaw dropped open.

"What kind of place is this?"

He called his father.

"Huh? Didn't I tell you already? This is one of Japan's best cooking schools… an elite school where less than 10% of the students live."

"WHAT!?"

"Uh, graduate. I meant less than 10% don't graduate."

Over the phone, Soma was hearing a lot of clattering and strange talk.

"Hey, where are you anyway?"

"New York City," Joichiro said as he was drinking a bottle of whiskey outside of a gas station.

"Hey, yo!" the cashier shouted. "Get away from here!"

"It's okay, I'm a famous chef." Joichiro threw away his bottle and started walking back to the party he was taking a break from. "At first I worked in China," a Panda Express came into mind, "then Spain," taco bell, "and Italy," a pizzeria. "I just came into New York last night." He took out a squid tentacle covered in ketchup. As he took bites, he said, "Soma, if you can't survive at that school, saying you'll surpass me is a big joke…"

He heard a click in his ear.

"Ah, he hung up."

"What? No. I just clicked my tounge. Anyways, I'LL SHOW YOU I CAN!"

"Alright, then I'll tell you the secret to becoming a good chef."

"Okay."

"You listening?"

"Yes."

"Alright. The secret is to get laid and-"

He heard another click in his ears.

"Ah. This time he really did hang up… Scrub!"

Meanwhile, someplace else…

* * *

A girl was deep in concentration, tasting someone's food. Her eyes open.

"Awful! Simply awful!"

A plate of fettuccine was thrown out the window.

"This food was so awful, it was, it was… it was if walking on sunshine and suddenly a penguin flies by! That kind of flavor! It's so bad… I can't even laugh. I can't laugh at all."

 **Terrible…**

* * *

 **A/N -** I'll be honest and say I didn't notice the connection between the first and last page of the first chapter until writing this. It's cool, yo.


	2. Chapter 2 and 3

Shokugeki no Soma: The Awful Series

* * *

It was the last dish of the day. She was handed someone's cooking. She took a spoonful of it into her mouth and laid the flavor onto her sensitive, muscular hydrostat.

"Ugh! This is awful" Nikiri Erina cried before slamming a pot of boiling water's on a student's head. "It's like being forced to listen to a bad children's choir for two hours! It's simply awful!"

The student with a pot on his head, along with severe third-degree burns, kneeled to her. "Gah! I'm sorry!"

"Feh! Get out of my sight. You and the rest can go."

She left the class, joined by her assistant.

"What's my next appointment?"

The purple-haired girl kneeled and gave her a sheet of paper. Erina took it out of her hand and read it aloud. "A date with destiny? What kind sick joke is this?"

"Wh-what? I said the same thing, but the headmaster said you would understand the message!"

"Well I don't! Get me a translation. Then we'll move."

* * *

Elsewhere, Soma was walking to the Exam Hall when he noticed the bothersome feeling of not fitting in with the rest of people there.

"Why does everyone need the driver to open a damn door? Are limousines child-locked?"

As he wondered this, he noticed a boy without any arms sitting on a bence.

"Ah. Now I feel bad. I better make up for it."

With the best intention in mind, Soma sat down, next to the armless boy. Unfortunately, why he did it was all too clear.

"Hi, little fella!" Soma said.

"What?"

"Mind if I sit down next to you? It must be pretty hard sometimes to live without any arms. I mean, look, you can't wave hello to me right now, can you? Don't worry, little buddy. I'll be right here for you to give you a hand, whenever you need it."

Rightfully pissed off, the boy got up and kicked him off the bench.

"Don't patronize me, asshole! I might not have any arms, but I can still stuff a foot up your ass and use you like the wooden puppet that you are!"

"If I was Pinocchio, I think I'd be offended!" Soma got up and rolled up his sleeve. "But I'm not, so now you've made me incredibly frustrated by the fact that I'm not Pinocchio! Why don't you go back to your part-time job, being the department store's soulless mannequin posing in clothes that's never available in my size, before I get angry and punch you!"

"What? You weren't already? I thought your hair was red like it was some sort of mood ring."

"It's always red!"

"Psh! Yeah right! Do either of your parents even have red hair?"

Unable to answer that question, Soma began throwing punches at the armless kid. He then ran away before anyone could find the culprit who beat up a child who had come to visit his sister at school.

Soma found another person on another bench and sat down. This one was more his age, but was definitely more refined than him.

"Mind if I sit here," he slowly said, trying to regain his breath.

"Oh no you don't!" the rich teen said. "I saw what you did to that kid with no arms!"

Soma started sweating. Panicked, he said, "He fell, I swear! I told him not to do a backflip, but he tried it anyway! Huh?"

The teen began snickering. "Fufufufu! I was merely joking. We rich folks love bagging on the lower classes. For example, one of my favorite things to do is go to the soup kitchen and give everyone copies of Atlus Shrugged. What's your favorite thing to do to them? Other than hitting them, of course."

Soma shrugged. "I wouldn't know. I'd rather give people at the soup kitchen food rather than a book with no plot. I'm not a rich folk, by the way."

Just like the other boy, Soma was kicked off the bench.

"LOL! Get away from me, you plebian! Does a plebian like you even know where you are? This is Totsuki Culinary Academy! Only the bests in the food business can get in and you think a plebian like you can just waltz in here and get admitted like it was some sort of public school?"

"Why do you keep saying plebian?" Soma muttered.

"It makes me sound smarter."

"It doesn't."

The teen's eye twitched. "Alright, how about I downgrade my vocabulary and call you a wanabee scrub! Guhaa!"

The teen was lifted by his collar and Soma said, "Nobody calls me a scrub! Nobody! Except my dad."

Remembering his father, he remembered his words of how much of a joke it would be if he couldn't survive in this school.

"Tch!" He dropped the teen and walked ahead. "I'll show you old man. I'll get the examiner to accept me and I'll be one step closer to beating you at cooking. I just wonder what kind of person will judge us."

He waited in the hall until it was finally time to for the entrance examination to start. By that time, everyone else was there with him. In front of them, two girls appeared. One with pink hair and one with blonde hair.

The blonde one didn't look too happy.

"Alright, which one of you is Destiny?"

Nobody answered and she felt her heart curdle like old milk.

"Are you kidding me?" She turned to her assistant. "I thought you said there'd be a Destiny here."

"I said I thought!" the girl apologetically said. "I asked all of our translators and none of them could decipher this cryptic message!"

Erina slammed her hand against the counter. "Listen up, everyone! When I count to three, one of you is going to be Destiny. Got it!? One! Two!"

The room suddenly became empty and Erina and assistant saw no one left.

"Damn it! Who the hell is Destiny!?"

Her assistant quietly offered an answer. "Maybe it's some sort of metaphor? Like Godot?"

She ignored that explanation and began walking away. "Whatever, I've got better things to do than to look for someone with a name that sounds like what an American would name their child."

As she moved away, Soma got closer and said, "I don't know what this destiny talk is all about, but may we please start the exam already?"

Erina frowned and looked behind. This is where she meets Yukihira Soma.

"Exam?"

Her assistant jolted and quickly ran to her. "Oh, yes! After the, uh, date, you were supposed to come here and examine the transfer students. It seems this person is the only one here, though."

"Examine, huh?" Erina nodded her head and said, "Fine. Serve me something with eggs and I'll let you in if you satisfy. Do note that I am a very hard person to satisfy."

He smiled and put on his dramatically long headband. "Satisfying difficult people give off the best feeling in the world."

Some time passed and he finally cracked an egg.

"What are you even making?" Erina asked, out of bored rather than mere curiosity.

"Furikake Gohan!" he replied.

Erina and her assistant were not amused.

"Don't screw with me!" she shouted. "You're wasting my time if you're serving me something so cheap. I could have been looking for Destiny all this time."

"Hey, now, don't insult it just yet. What I made isn't any old, run-of-the-mill dish. What I made is _transforming_ Furikake Gohan!"

"Transforming?"

He placed a bowl of white rice in front of her. "It's done."

She grabbed some chopsticks and began poking it. "Nothing is happening."

He smiled and told her, "Wait for it."

Suddenly, two objects were emerging.

"What? What's happening?"

As the two objects grew in height, more and more of the white rice was disappearing. It took a while but the end result was amazing. What started out as a simple bowl white rice became an exquisite peanut butter and jelly sandwich without any peanut butter or jelly.

"It's just two slices of bread!" she complained.

He shook his head. "It may look like that at first, but when you taste it, you'll be introduced into a new world of flavor you'll never be able to come back from with a downgrade in standards."

She took a bite. She tasted, she swallowed, she judged. "It _is_ two slices of bread!"

"It's good, isn't it?"

"No! It's bad!"

"What?"

"Get out of here!"

She immediately kicked him out. After doing so, she started making a call.

"Hello? Yes, this is Nakiri Erina. Redirect me to the grandmaster. He's busy? Fine. Redirect me to… Destiny instead. No such person? Aarrrgg!"

While she was going through an episode, Soma sat on a hill and wondered what went wrong today.

"Was the bread too soggy?"

* * *

 **A/N -** The first chappie was too on track with the original, I'm sorry, so thank you if you continued reading for a second dose of bad medicine.


	3. Chapter 4

Shokugeki no Soma: The Annoying Soma

* * *

It had been one month since Erina kicked Soma out of the school. Much to the surprise of everyone, she did not want to cook. She was reported by some that she was on a long, terrible quest to find the one her grandfather called "Destiny". It's been one hour since she got off a plane and called off her quest. She headed to the school for she had to be there for the opening ceremony as the representative for the first years.

"Tch! I never found 'Destiny'. All I ever found was this stupid game that is much more disappointing than its name and presentation would lead you to believe."

She got rid of her bitterness and walked up onto the stage to receive an award for being the best.

The school grounds were crowded. Hundreds of students stood there in fear and excitement. They worked hard to be here and now they would have to work harder to stay here. The challenge that laid ahead of them to overcome is unknown, but now that they were here, everyone was ready to take that challenge head on to move up and become the best.

Some guys didn't care about any of that though and decided to pervs.

"Yo, dude! If you turn your head like this, you can actually see up Erina's panties!"

"You idiot, she's right in front of you! If she hears you say that kind of stuff, we'll get smudged of the picture and-"

Those guys were never seen again.

After receiving her award, her grandfather Nakiri Senzaemon came onto the stage and eyeballed the whole crowd.

One guy panicked.

"Oh, shit! It's him! The food mafia! What's he gonna say?"

Senzaemon coughed.

The guy fainted and was immediately trampled. He was also never seen again.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the headmaster said, "Congratulations on making it this far. During your three years in middle school, you've the learned the basics of food preparing and ingredients. You learned about sanitation, nutrition, managemention, and some other '-tions', but now we're not going to focus on that. From this point forward, we're going to learn if any of you scrubs got the guts to live as a chef. Especially you, green-hair!"

He pointed toward a green-haired student.

"Who? Me?" said a girl who will not be seen from this point forward.

"99% of you are all stones to polish the 1%. That's right kids, we're a school that's filthy rich! We can afford to do some crazy shit like this! Any of you got a problem with this?"

Many students looked at him like he was crazy. Those students would never be seen again.

Other students did a smug face that said "I'm getting fired up!" Most of these students will also never be seen again.

Erina did a smug face that said, "LOL, look at these noobs." She will become a cameo character right after this and almost never be seen again.

(I pity all of these fools for being born in the same generation as I,) she thought. (For they will all be fighting for 2nd place. The world and Tootsuki's best will be me, Nikiri Erina!)

Obviously, she will not be the best cook at the end of the series. Words like that are almost always seen again.

"We'll now introduce the student who transferred here!" some nobody said. This person was never seen to begin with.

Erina frowned at the mention of a transfer student.

(I see… another examiner passed someone. That reminds of that guy. Hmph, just remembering him irritates me. It was that same day I was supposed to meet 'Destiny'. I never did. It's his fault, somehow, I'm sure.)

"Aw, do I really have to speak in front of everyone?"

(Oh well. It's okay.)

"I never did like to do those slideshow presentations in school, but I guess I can give this speech a try."

(It's not like I'll ever see him again).

This student was definitely a person who would always be seen again; a person Erina was horrified to see again.

"Okay, I'll only say this:" the student leaned forward and said, "I'm Yukihira Soma. Truth is that you're all scrubs who only got entered in this school to be used by me. I've also decided that I hate every single one of you. You're all asses… asses for me to spank and make you all red out shame and embarrassment. You all suck."

He dropped the mike and left with a strut.

Everyone politely applauded.

"What a cool guy."

"What a joker."

"What a tryhard. Why did he even drop the microphone? Was there a spider on it?"

Soma went behind the curtain and saw Erina standing there, trying to light him on fire with her eyes.

"Oh, hey! You're Nakiri, right? Boy, I was never back there. Kids used to beat me up after class whenever I did a presentation, but I'm glad to see that everyone seems to like me here."

Her anger burst and she yelled, "Yukihira-kun! Why are you here!?"

"Huh. I don't really know. I asked my dad that once and he said he'd tell me when I was older. I haven't asked him again, but I sure have learned a lot about cooking over the years!"

He smiled at his confession of being a single-goal-oriented protagonist on becoming the best fighter… of the cooking variety. He often gets confused when he investigates terms like 'hot breasts' and 'thick, hard, Italian sausages'".

"No! I meant, why are you _here_?"

"Oh! I got a notification that I passed a few weeks ago. I was really scared when you said it was bad. My dad would call me every day, just to laugh at me and call me a scrub. If it's good, you should have just said so. Be honest."

"No! I haven't accepted you or your cooking! It's a mistake! All students here came from the middle-school portion. They have received gifted education in ultra-fine gastronomy. A scrub like you will never reach the top!"

She started walking away, wildly swinging her arms, but stopped when she heard Soma say something.

"Three years in gastronomy, huh?"

She stopped and looked behind. "What?"

"The first time I pulled my old man's finger was when I three. For twelve years, my dad has been teaching me all about gastronomy. Every time I pulled his finger **'poop!'** a new lecture would begin. This one time my dad showed me his biggest example of gastronomy and-"

Erina's eyes widened.

"In any case, I can't let my restaurant's name go down by having you say my food is bad. Wait for it… it might take me months to do anything about it, but I'll make you say 'It's good' with that mouth of yours someday."

Senzaemon watched the two of them speak to each other. While it was too early to tell, he could tell that Soma had the spirit and skill to change they school.

"And to think he almost didn't come here…"

* * *

 **One month ago…**

Erina stamped Soma's transfer exam papers and left with her assistant. Senzaemon had just arrive.

"Ah, looks like I missed the show. So only one person had the guts to call themselves a cook? Interesting."

He walked up to the kitchen. He didn't see anything outside, save for some sliced bread.

"Huh. No leftovers. Who is this person anyway?"

He turned to the file and opened it. He was immediately met with Soma's lazy grin and a stamp marked "failed".

Immediately after seeing that stamp, he ripped that file in half and ate it.

"Damn it, Erina! I told you that you were supposed to meet with this boy! I made my request very clear!"

* * *

Back to the present, everyone was leaving the ceremony grounds. Everyone except for one called-

"Tadokoro Megumi," the blue-haired girl said.

She got off of the chair she was sitting in and follows the crowd.

(So that was him, was it?)

She pulled out her cellphone and opened a picture of Soma on the stage.

(This is the protagonist? I had no idea this would be so easy. Executing him should be a piece of cake.)

She pulls out a lunchbox and gets her slice of cake out of it.

(The good thing about a piece of cake is that they go away so easily.)

That cake was never to be seen again.

* * *

 **A/N** \- Poop jokes? Really? Shit. Ugh, I swear I'll never make those again. Poop jokes, I mean. Can't stop making poop, even if I wanted to (which I don't).


	4. Special Chapter 1

Shokugeki no Soma: Special Chapter 1

Story of a minor character.

* * *

Pooped from playing a hard game of Orange-balls-Go-Into-The-Hula-Hoop, a girl sat down on the floor. There, she saw a friend grab the basketball. Seeing her, she remembered something. "Hey, Mayuuuuu! Are you going? Yukihira-kun and his dad are having a cooking showdown today!"

Mayumi Kurase, one of the students in the gym class, was about to throw the basketball before her friend unexpectedly brought her into a conversation. She held the ball, slowly putting it down where her blue shorts and white shirt met. She wondered about what she meant.

"A cooking showdown?"

"It seems they want to settle who the best chef is again and they need a judge. You're one of the few virgins left, so they want you to go judge for them."

The sudden reveal of her innocence knocked the ball of her hands. "Wh-wh-wh-wh-what?! What do you mean I'm one of the few virgins left?! How did everyone lose theirs at such an early age!?"

"Hey now, relax. It's good you're a virgin. Not only are you allowed to taste the food monks will strip for, it's proof that you're one of the few lucky people who didn't go through a weird phase in middle school."

Mayumi looked around. It was true. During her three years here, she had seen many people turn into strangers. Hakashu turned into a wannabe gangster, Shoria had turned into the school slut, Sakura became a yankeeboo who did nothing but watch western cartoons all day while calling Japan a sheltered coward, Yushu tried too damn hard to be funny, and Misaka became an emo who often smiled. Despite all the strange people, however, it seemed like almost everyone had lost their virginity.

(Am I really so dull that I went through the entirety of middle school without losing my… wait! No! I mean, I don't care! Not at all!)

Mayumi faced her friend and gave a desperate look that pierced her soul.

"The benefit of my virginity is holy food, right?"

"Y-y-yes, of course. It's fine you're a virgin, really! We're all jealous that you can taste their food without any impure actions getting in the way."

A breath of relief escaped her untainted mouth and she smiled.

"In any case, you've never been to Yukihira's place anyway, right? Now's the time to go!"

She picked up the basketball she dropped earlier and slowly dribbled it as she walked away.

(Yukihira, huh?)

School was over now. She left the building and headed toward the restaurant.

(Ever since kindergarten, I've been watching Yukihira-kun. He would make kids cry with his cooking, make cafeteria ladies smile, shower with white soap, spend 37 minutes on average every day in the grocery store, have a blood type of Rh-null, and I don't stalk him, I swear. He's so amazing. For an unamazing person like me, he really is amazing.)

She stopped walking for a brief moment. She looked up and closed her eyes. A small sigh came out.

(Why do I have to be so small? If I had a special ability like him, maybe I would be closer with him?)

"So it's a special ability you want, ay?"

"Huh?"

She broke out of her self-wallowing to see who was talking to her. In front of her, she saw an old , bald man wearing a blue bathrobe in front of her. It was slightly open.

"U-u-u-um, sir!? You robe is a little too ope-"

He raised his hand to halt her. "Listen! I've heard your complaints, little one. I hear that you wish to be amazing and important to someone?"

She gasped and took a step back. She almost stepped on a banana, but didn't. Just wanted to mention it. "H-how did you know?"

The man hearing the question he wanted to hear smiled. He stretched out his legs (much to Mayumi's shame) and arms and preached, "Listen well, everyone! We live not in a world where risks and chances are real! We live in a biased world where only a few are gifted with names, hair and roles centered around the plot of the world! We live in a fictional world!"

A few pedestrians and one dog took the time to look at him, but they all soon went away, never to be seen again.

He calmed down and started walking away.

"If you wish to learn of the truth, Mayumi, follow me and our family will teach you the ways of the world."

She was incredibly doubtful of his recent proclamation. After all, isn't he essentially stating that all religions and sciences are false and that life is meaningless? Then again…

(Without Yukihira-kun, I don't think I can go on. How can I continue on living, knowing that an amazing person like Yukihira-kun can never be my husband and be with me forever and ever and ever? I don't want to believe this old man and his dangling truth, but I…)

She started following him. She wasn't sure where this decision of her would lead her, but she was certain that by doing this, the course of her life would change.

(To be amazing… that's want I want to be. Also Yukihira-kun's eternal wife, but baby steps!)

* * *

After she came back...

(The world…)

She looked the left. She looked to the right. She looked in front of her. Small buildings, children, pets, people, trees, these were things anyone could see. Well, things anyone in _**this**_ world could see.

(The world is…)

She did not move her head or her eyes. Slowly but surely, the world was fading. Taking what she had learned, she began stripping the world of its color and object. She began seeing past the world and saw reality itself.

(The world is false.)

She saw everything in black and white. Mostly white though, with black characters occasionally showing up. What she was looking at was… this.

(I see it.)

Mayumi arrived to the restaurant. Standing behind the counter was the figure of her obsession. He almost didn't notice her, but the slight reflection on the knife he was cleaning showed him someone had arrived. He took a glance and saw the girl he knew since kindergarten.

"Hey, Kurase! You came too? Best regards today!"

(I come every day for you,) she muttered in her mind.

She sensed something.

(Is this it? The old man said that right now, I am a minor character who does almost nothing that's important in the long run. However, if I can sneak into the cover, then I'll surely be promoted into a major character!)

Jouichirou was busy cooking. Souma, eager to randomly show people his 'Gotcha' dish, went up to a girl with snow white skin and white hair and presented the dish to her.

"I don't know why I want to show people this, but look at it!" he demanded.

(This is it!)

Mayumi quickly went behind him and-

 ***snap***

(Finally! With this I… am important!)

Minutes later, Mayumi cracked her skull, went into a coma (somehow), and was then taken by Souma's peanut butter covered squid into the restaurant's closet.

* * *

Weeks later…

"Aw geez, they really did close the place down. Jouichirou is a bumbling drunk who occasionally cooks around the world and Souma is going to an elite school full of beautiful people!"

"Hey, what about Mayumi?"

"Who?"

* * *

 **A/N** \- I don't know what I'm doing. Stop me before I go mad. While my sanity is still with me, I have to tell you guys that 4 is death. Every fourth chapter will be something unrelated, so maybe throw a suggestion? I have plenty of... interesting ideas already, but maybe someone has an idea more curdling and odd than I do.


End file.
